Put Your Dukes Up

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
James 1:19-20

Conflict is a reality because we live in a world broken by sin. Disagreements, misunderstandings, and arguments happen between people. It may be a stranger who took your parking spot, a coworker who always eats the last donut, or those you live with; conflict does arise. The challenge with conflict is that when it arises, our flesh has one of two responses: win the argument or just ignore it. Neither is always the best option, so here are some pointers for dealing with conflict.

Be generous with grace. Here is what I mean by that. Try giving the other person the benefit of the doubt: they may not have intentionally meant to offend you, or maybe they made a poor choice and regretted that choice. Be quick to forgive.
 
Be quick to listen. James says that we should be quick to listen and slow to speak. God gave us two ears and only one mouth, and we can assume that He wants us to listen more than we talk. But that is not how we usually respond. We don’t want to listen, we just want to be heard. When we take the time to listen, we often find that the conflict was not as bad as we thought. Listening also leads to resolution. Failing to listen leads to more conflict.

Slow to speak does not mean silence. James tells us that we are to be slow to speak, not speak at all. Sometimes we would rather ignore the problem and hope it goes away. This is not good either. It is never good to continually sweep conflict under the rug. Eventually, someone will trip over the rug.
 
Anger is not a catalyst for resolution. This should be obvious, right? But how often do we address conflict in anger? James tells us to be slow to anger. He means that we should be aware of how anger, when we don’t control it, can just make things worse. Rarely should conflict be addressed in anger. Take the time to get it under control before responding out of it.

Rules of engagement. To resolve conflict, especially with those closest to us, there needs to be some understanding. Here is what I suggest. There needs to be permission to say what needs to be said (not always what you want to say) and an understanding that you will be heard. Don’t keep a scorecard of past wrongs. Don’t fight to win, fight to reconcile.